Well, what can I say? It's been totally great. I have some really amazing people in my life, a small network of loving friends, old and new, an obviously amazing family and I'm on the track back to school, back to whatever the Lord has in store.
I have been finding, hanging with my two best girlfriends from childhood, that we are all growing in different directions, reaching for different stars, focusing on new things and trying to leanr who we are. But one thing we have in common is our history, and for that we are connected with an almost unearthly bond that means we can lie awake until 6 am chatting, crying, praying, whatever comes. This is what I call not knowing what you have until its gone. Sometimes we imagine that we leave everything to go and find who we are somewhere else. But maybe what I have been doing this whole year was being away from my old lifestyle, the first home, the nest in order to see how truly full and great the people and places here really are.
Last night, Nadia and I took a late night tour of the places in my hometown and around it that we have always known, but never really looked at until now, having both lived away for some time. We called it "Celebrity- Tour New Jersey" because suddenly these old spots from girlhood, the old stomping grounds, the small New Jersey towns with their Christmas lights and chilly winter peace hanging around have become like sacred places to us. We are making little pilgrimages to the places of our youth and learning why they were so important to us, why they might never have meaning to anyone else or be famous or frequented but why for us they are priceless and hold rich secrets of who we actually are.
That's not to say that everything is wonderful here. It is great to be home because of so many comforts, so many nice things I didn't have in Mexico I now have at the command of my fancy little cell phone, my nice new clothes, my mom's sweet car that I can whip around in. It's also a beautiful thing to realize how important and special the people in your life are and see them for the delicate creations that they are, each unique in some sense, all still growing, like a flourishing garden of lives all around me. But not everyone has "made it" the way I have, and all this I give glory to God who saved me from many many deep pits of destruction. I realize my life could be much different right now, much more depressing, much more ungrateful and down on myself in self-pity and fear, unable to pull myself out. But thanks be to God that He does for us what we cannot fo for ourselves, and His strength is what we need to get through any kind fo circumstance. If I keep Him as King then all the rules of my life will come from Him, thus I have a need, even more than ever, to be in prayer and find some areas where I need to be sacrificial and giving.
I'm not sure what I'm going to do here in the next few months. I am aware that my old relationships are being rekindled and somehow God has a plan behind that. I think He realizes I was not ready until now to see certain people and be in certain situations that earlier in my life would have made me really uncomfortable and feel like I needed to go run away for fear that I may be sucked back into them. But I don't have that fear right now, not because I live above the possibility of me falling into temptation, but rather because I have tasted what is truly good, and I am still learning to let my priorities be re-ordered by Jesus' commands. I'm trying to listen. May He always hasten His speed in coming to me. And vice versa, I need to be in prayer.
Here is a poem I wrote this afternoon, visiting an old friend in Princeton:
Smoke Shop
Here in Little Cuba
The smoke filled storefront
Celebrating addiction
Booze, fine tobacco, women, and song
A way of life.
I am finding that this year, unlike any other, I have seen that people are growing, feeling the sudden push out into the real world after college, seeing that they must get their lives together or maybe perish forever and be caught between the bar and the bed for the rest of their time. I see that although we are growing to be very different people, we can still get to know each other in this transitional state, finding new things in common, things we didn't even know were there when we were teens, things we are just recently learning about ourselves.
Christmas was special. I ate big meals with my mom, dad, and brother, my two dogs fighting for scraps sticking their noses into our laps. Great turkey by my dad, nice veggies, everything reminding me how good I have it. Opened presents with the fam, lots of books, collection of Kerouac novels and short stories, poetry by Rumi, excited to read them both. My friend got me "Eat, Love, Pray" which people have told me I must read. I got a new Bible that my brother said "This is from me" which made me really happy. So, good reading to come.
My brother moves into college next week, its so crazy to think he's going to a big city to pursue what he likes doing. I can't wait to see how it all turns out. He is so cool.
So all is very well. I am, of course, missing the kids. I was thinking today how happy it would make me to see them and hug all of them today. I wonder what they're all doing, I'm trying to keep them in prayer, and I hope any readers will do the same. What was great is that I left on a really nice note with them, tears in my eyes, but not at all broken or dismayed for I am assured that I will see them soon.
Be blessed, Merry Christmas, the Christ has come.
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